“Laura, it’s so great to see you!”
What a sweet greeting this would be…if you actually were Laura. More and more, Mom is confusing you with her sister, forgetting that you’re her daughter. When a loved one with dementia starts to lose memories and no longer recognizes your face, it may be extremely challenging to accept. The sadness is overwhelming, the frustration undeniable, and the questions keep piling up: Why is this happening? What do I do now?
These suggestions will help you respond to these moments with love and grace, maintaining your connection in a unique and meaningful way.
Understand That It’s Not Personal
When a loved one with dementia has difficulty recognizing you, it’s easy to feel hurt, as if all those beloved moments between the two of you have now been forgotten. But it’s important to remember: this isn’t about you. Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia cause changes in a person’s brain that can make it difficult, and sometimes even impossible, for them to remember the people who are closest to them.
They haven’t forgotten you intentionally. They have not stopped caring about you, even when they are not able to remember your name or how you’re related. This is actually the disease talking, not the individual. Reminding yourself that it is the disease — not a reflection of your relationship — can help you work through the difficult emotions that emerge in these moments.
Focus on the Feelings, Not the Facts
While the person might not remember your name, they are able to feel your presence. Dementia often affects memory, but it doesn’t get rid of the ability to sense emotions. Even when they don’t understand that you’re their son, daughter, or spouse, they may still feel loved, safe, and comforted when you’re there.
So instead of focusing on making them reflect upon specifics of your relationship, concentrate on promoting positive feelings. Smile when you see them, hold their hand, share a comforting hug. These behaviors speak louder than words or names, and they may bring moments of connection even if the specifics have faded away.
Try to Be Part of Their World
Dementia can produce a distance between your reality and theirs, and sometimes bridging that gap means letting go of the need to bring them back to your reality. If they think you are somebody from their distant past, or do not recognize the present moment, it could be calming to simply meet them where they are rather than try to correct them.
For example, if they think you are a friend from their childhood, rather than reminding them of who you actually are, ask questions about their current reality. This method helps to reduce anxiety and confusion for them and enables you to share a moment of joy in their present understanding.
Find New Approaches to Connect
When recognition fades, it doesn’t mean the connection has to fade along with it. Finding new ways to stay connected makes it easier to keep your bond in a meaningful way. Consider what still brings them joy. Music is frequently a wonderful tool — it may bring memories rushing back even when names and words are forgotten. Putting on their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and even help you share a happy moment together.
Photos and easy activities may help too. Looking through old family pictures may not trigger detailed memories, but it can still generate a sense of comfort and familiarity. Activities like taking a walk together, brushing their hair, or sharing a favorite snack can create new positive moments, even if they don’t recognize you in the traditional sense.
Give Yourself Space to Grieve
There is no denying that when an older loved one doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a deep loss. It’s okay to feel helpless, sad, or even angry. You’re grieving a change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Remember to acknowledge your emotions and find outlets for them, like talking with a friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.
You do not have to endure this alone. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can help you process your feelings. Knowing that you’re not on your own in facing these difficult moments makes it feel a little less isolating.
Celebrate Small Moments of Joy
Even though the person might not remember your name, there will always be moments that are worth celebrating. A smile, a shared laugh, a gentle touch — these moments are precious, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to those fleeting moments of joy, because they’re still real, and they still matter.
If the person you love seems calm and content in your presence, that is a success. When they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that’s a victory. These moments remind you that while the relationship may look different now, the love you share is still there; it is just shown in new ways.
Discover How Our Dementia Care Services Can Help
We know that forgetting names is just one of many difficult outcomes of dementia, and we are here to help you through all of them. Our care professionals receive specialized training in effective dementia care strategies, and we’d welcome the chance to help someone you love. Contact us any time at 240-750-6617 for more information on our dementia care in Bethesda, Gaithersburg, Potomac, and the surrounding areas.